


Between tomorrow and a sad song

by RoseBlakewood99



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Blood, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, F/M, Injury, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Second Person, Past Domestic Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, Songfic, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-05-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:41:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23719864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseBlakewood99/pseuds/RoseBlakewood99
Summary: Recently released from Hydra's control Bucky struggles to find himself in the strange new world he has been thrust into. Reader feels like she's been to hell and back, her past always haunting her as she tries to keep her head above water.This is the story of two souls who find each other but when you're both damaged can you ever make it to tomorrow or will the past always keep you from moving onEach chapter is inspired by and song, some are written as song fics others just take their inspiration from a particular song
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Kudos: 6





	1. We were only strangers

**Author's Note:**

> Music is one of my main inspirations and this idea has been rattling round in my head for a while so it was time to start getting it down on paper
> 
> This is my first work in this fandom so I hope you like it. 
> 
> This first chapter is inspired by You Have Stolen My Heart by Brian Fallon (go give it a listen, you wont regret it). It was really this song which finally push me to write this so it felt like a good place to start.

He needed to know, needed to know everything. After being released from Hydra’s control Bucky found everyone tip-toeing around him. He felt like no one would tell him the real extent of what he’d done. 

He remembered parts of it, horrible flashes of a life that didn’t feel like his, it came crashing down at night, when the darkness was closest. He didn’t even know if it would help but he still needed to know. 

Pulling his cap down over his face he ducked out of the subway and made his way down the street, the sun shone brightly as if to spite him in his misery. The weight in his chest grew and grew with each step until he didn’t know how he would carry it. His breath came quick and heavy as he stood at the door suddenly unsure if he should, maybe it would be better if he didn’t know. 

Hand shaking he steeled himself and pushed the door open. The smell of dust and books filled his senses, warm light filtered through the blinds, catching and glinting off particles of dust. He watched them twist in a breeze too gentle to feel, caught in a trance. Then the quiet became deafening, as quickly as he fell into it the spell broke and he was on edge again. Every nerve on fire as he surveyed the new surroundings. 

Taking a deep breath he composed himself, forcing his feet forward. Making his way through the selves stacked high he glanced at the titles until he found what he was looking for. History. Bucky ran his fingers along the spines of the books, carefully reading the titles he began pulling out the ones he was interested in. Books on every tragedy since the war, he needed to know how many he was responsible for. It crossed his mind that it could be all of them, but he pushed that thought away before it dragged him back down to the depths. 

When he felt like he had enough to be getting on with, Bucky found an empty table and sat down. He stared at the cover of the first book and he could feel his fists clenching, his vision clouding as he tried desperately to anchor himself in the present. It was then the heard footsteps approaching; he was jolted back to reality as he quickly identified the best escape route, and opened the book in an effort to look less conspicuous. 

He looked up as the footsteps came around the corner and his breath caught in his throat 

**_I don’t know if you know_ **

**_But I feel you in me_ **

She was beautiful, hair in a messy bun, summer dress swaying, cheeks a little red as she carried an armful of books. 

**_Inside of my years_ **

**_Inside of my bones_ **

She was a picture of innocence and Bucky couldn’t take his eyes off her, it was like she called to him. He watched the light from the sun play across her face and he didn’t think he would ever remember how to breathe. 

and when she turned from the self and met his gaze it was like a whole world stopped turning, he knew he would get lost in her eyes for a lifetime if he didn’t look away

**_I remember the colours_ **

**_In your mysterious eyes_ **

Then she smiled at him, gentle and warm, it took all of his courage to manage a smile back, the smallest twitch of his lips. It felt foreign on his face, muscles he hadn’t used in a long time 

**_Part of me stays_ **

**_In the room where we met_ **

She turned away again, setting the books on their respective places, Bucky watched her careful fingers move gently across the covers off the books, sometimes opening one to smooth the pages down. He was pretty sure she was aware of him watching her but he couldn’t bring himself to look away as he prayed she wasn’t a hallucination. 

**_And everything slows with my breath_ **

**_As I watch you float cross the floor_ **

The seconds seemed to drag out as he watched her turn and walk away, for a moment Bucky contemplated calling out to her, asking her name, asking if she felt the same, but then she was gone. Bucky sat back in his chair, he only now noticed how wildly his heart was beating. 

Getting up he left his books where they were, forgotten entirely. He made his way to the door, desperate to get out, desperate to disappear back into a crowd. 

**_And the night came as it went_ **

**_I could swear that I knew you before_ **

he placed his hand on the door handle and froze again, he could feel eyes on him, trying desperately to slow his ragged breathing he turned slowly. She was standing behind the little desk to his right, watching him with a smile still playing at the corners of her lips. He couldn't take it anymore, he couldn't be under one person's gaze, he felt exposed, a dear in the headlights, afraid. He left. 

**_And maybe on another night, we were lovers in another life_ **

**_Or maybe we were only strangers on mystery trains_ **

**_And you were only a ghost that has stolen my heart away_ **

*

The door clicked shut and he was gone. You let out a breath you couldn’t even remember holding. Whoever this stranger was, he had spoken to you in a way which didn't need words, it was like his soul was calling to yours. You wondered if you would ever see him again for if his face would always be a memory. Those blue eyes had looked right into her heart and stolen it away, how could one look from one person leave you feeling so much. 

Back in your little apartment you stretched across the bed, and watched as the ceiling darkened with the onset of night. You knew sleep wouldn't come easily, it never did these days so you just lay there enjoying the dark. You listened to the passing cars which slowly faded as the night drew on. It was in the depths of night that you finally allowed yourself to feel but tonight your thoughts were consumed by the moment you saw him and you wondered if he hurt like you, if somehow you had known he too was always running from his own troubles. 

The morning dawned light and warm, it had been one of the better nights, the demons kept somewhat a bay by those blue eyes. 

*

Bucky woke one morning a few weeks later, his heart beating out of his chest and sweat dripping down his back. He was sure he could live with the nightmares for much longer. Dragging himself to the bathroom he turned on the shower and stepped into the cool water, letting it wash away the night. His thoughts began meandering back to the library, to the answers he thought he needed and to her. 

Her smile had almost made him forget who he was, all the awful things he’d done. He wondered for a moment how a stranger could have done this to him, but really she hadn't felt like a stranger, maybe he was finally losing it, maybe he was just lonely.

**_I always wondered, if I knew you before_ **

**_I feel like I had enough time on my hands_ **

It wasn't long before he found himself at the door to the library again, he couldn't really remember getting there, he only knew he needed to be there, but this time not just to find out all the bad he’d done but maybe to find some reassurance he hadn't imagined her. He pushed the door open with a little more confidence today, stepping inside and letting the smell of books wrap around him and pull him in. 

Heading back to the same table as before he dropped his jacket on the back of a chair and began choosing a few books to start off with. Sitting he opened the first one and began leafing through its slightly yellowed pages. Pictures began jumping out at him, faces he recognised but he didn't remember them smiling, he remembered the twisted expressions of pain and the smell of blood. 

He could feel the panic rising in his throat, the lump he tried hard to swallow as he looked away from the page, searching for anything to distract him from the horrors in his head. It was then he saw her again, just a glimpse as she passed by with a trolley of books. 

It was like his legs were acting of their own accord as he got up and followed her, watching as she stopped, reaching on tiptoes to put a book on one of the higher shelves

**_I know that you're with me still, I have this fear_ **

**_One day I'll wake up and you'll be a dream_ **

She took another book and reached up again, this time she was a little too short to reach the shelf she needed. Bucky moved behind her “Here, let me” he said, taking the book and slipping it into its place on the shelf. 

Your breath caught in your chest as he stood behind you, you didn't have the look to know it was him, the stranger who’d haunted you ever since that day. It seemed an age before he stepped back giving you room to turn a look at him. Those blue eyes are just as beautiful as before. You just look at him for a long moment before finally managing a weak “thank you”. 

Her voice was like honey, warm and sweet, more beautiful than he could have imagined and again he found time slowing and he forgot who he was. 

**_And now if you need me, you know where to find me_ **

**_I'll be always falling under your spell_ **

Her face broke into a smile, gentle and full of warmth he didn't feel he deserved

“I’m Y/N” you said, not sure what else to really say to a man you’d never spoken to but who’s memory had followed you for weeks. 

“James” he said “but my friends call me Bucky”

**_And everything slows with my breath_ **

**_As I watch you float cross the floor_ **

**_And the night came as it went_ **

**_I could swear that I knew you before_ **

**_Like maybe on another night, we were lovers in another life_ **

**_Or maybe we were always strangers on mystery trains_ **

**_And you were only a ghost that has stolen my heart away_ **


	2. The only thing that's real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The inspration for this chapter was the song Hurt (originally by Nine Inch Nails but I was listening to he Johnny Cash version when I wrote this). 
> 
> A/N mentions of blood and injury in this one

Bucky had stuck around for a while after that, asking questions about the books you were shelving and making general small talk. By the time he left you’d given him several books to read and signed him up for a library card. His smile when he left made you feel like you’d made a small difference today and that was good, it was all you could ask for really. 

You had known who he was of course, as soon as he’s introduced himself you had realised, the Winter Soldier. You hadn't said anything out of fear that it would make him worried about what you thought of him and he might leave. You imagined it couldn't be easy for him, the world had been and was still so split over him, from what you could gather from the media it was a pretty horrific story and who were you to judge anyone else. 

Each day you hoped you’d see Bucky again at the library, the days seemed to drag by and as much as you tried not to watch the door you couldn't help looking up each time you heard it open. Your heart beating a little faster in anticipation, only to be disappointed. In fact it was a week and half before you saw Bucky again and it wasn’t in the Library. 

*

The autumn chill had begun to creep in as you shoved your hands in the pockets of your jacket and walked a little quicker towards home. You’d stayed a little too long at the bar with a couple of friends from work and it was already dark, your way lit only by the yellow glow from the street lights. You reached the alley which you usually took as a shortcut and hesitated. After a few minutes of internal debate you hurried down the alley, it was the quickest way home even if it unnerved you a bit in the dark. 

As you approached the middle of the alley you heard a groan come from the darkness, you stopped heart beating out of your chest praying you were just hearing things. Holding your breath you listened closely, squinting into the dark. You were about to put it down to your overactive imagination when a low wince of pain reached your ears. 

Pulling out your phone you switch the torch on and began scanning around, but you couldn’t see anyone or anything to explain the noise. Then you saw it, the glint of metal catching in your torch light from behind a metal dumpster. Making your way over you moved cautiously not waiting to startle whoever was laying there. Rounding the dumpster you gasped, Bucky was huddled on the floor blood dripping from a cut over his eyebrow, one arm clutching his ribs. 

“Bucky” you whispered, approaching him, arm outstretched to help him up. He looked up at you with so much sadness in his eyes. He just looked at your hand as if he was afraid to take it. You crouched down to his level to try and get a better look at his injuries. He has almost certainly broken some ribs and on closer inspection his face was covered in cuts and a purple bruise was already forming over his eye. 

“Let me help you, I won’t hurt you” you said, offering him your hand again, this time he took it and you helped him up. Once on his feet it became clear he wasn't going to be walking very far on his own. Taking hold of his metal arm you draped it across your shoulders making him wince. 

“My apartment isn’t far from here, you think you can walk a little?” you asked 

“Yeah” was the only response he could manage. 

The walk to your apartment was slow but you made it in once piece, once inside you helped Bucky sit down on your couch before hurrying off to get your first aid kit. 

“Let me take a look at that” you said gently moving Bucky’s hand away from the largest cut in his forehead. “You gonna tell me why you were lying behind that dumpster?”

Bucky was looking anywhere but at you as you gently pinched his skin together and stuck on stripes to hold it in place while it healed. You didn't say anything while you waited for his response, you just continued working using an alcohol wipe to get rid of most of the blood and dirt on his face. Once you were finished you sat back on your heels and began packing your kit away. 

“I’m sorry” he said so quietly you weren't sure you’d heard him right. 

“You don't have anything you apologise for”. 

“I went to drop the Library books back through the letterbox, and on my way back to the subway, there was a group of guys, they smelt like they'd been drinking and they recognised me. Well they weren't happy. Most people aren't a fan of me you see” 

“They did this to you?” he only nodded in confirmation “But why didn’t you fight back?”

Bucky looked down at you, here you were fixing him up, treating him with such gentleness, bringing him into your home. There was no judgement but he still wasn't sure he could tell you the truth.

“If I’d fought back and hurt them it would only have proved them right”

**_I focus on the pain_ **

**_The only thing that's real_**

You knew he wasn't telling you everything, you were sure he could have got away without having to injure anyone. “is that the truth?” you asked, you wanted to give him a chance to talk if he wanted to. 

“Not all of it” he admitted after a few moments of silence “I suppose I feel i deserve it, after all I’ve done, I guess I don’t know what to feel anymore at least pain is familiar”

**_Try to kill it all away_ **

**_But I remember everything_ ** ****

There was a long silence where Bucky just stared ahead, seeming very interested in the little potted plants on your side board. Finally he looked down at you, still sat on your living room rug looking up at him with the sadness he felt reflected in your eyes. 

**_I will make you hurt_ **

He hated that he made you feel like that, he was about to try and take it all back and leave. When you lent forward, wrapped your arms carefully around his neck and pulled him close. You weren't sure how long you held on to him, all you knew was you wanted to take away all his pain. When you eventually let go you brushed his hair out of his face and stood. 

“Stay here tonight” you said walking over into your bedroom and reappearing with a blanket and pillow. He didn't have the energy to argue and he was pretty sure he didn't want to be anywhere else. 

“Get some rest, I’ll see you in the morning” you said as you made your way back to your room. 

“Thank you” was the last thing you heard before you shut the door and collapsed onto your bed. You usually had trouble sleeping but tonight you were too exhausted to remember that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really have an update schedule for this but I'll try to update every couple weeks or so. Hope you've enjoyed it so far!

**Author's Note:**

> Well i hope you liked this first chapter, I would really recommend listening to the album Local Honey which this is from, all of the songs are heart achingly beautiful and this wont be the only song from the album cropping up here (just a warning the song Vincent deals with domestic abuse - stay safe out there)


End file.
